i’m not made for crushes

When the yearner was put in action, she foolishly let herself wait by the phone, in hope that the childish games would end for the rest of the night…or she could put the phone down and let the act rest for the day. The yearning was far less stressful than this?

Growing up I was always the “funny friend.” The funny girl (and not the Fanny Brice kind either), surrounded by my pretty friends, and never a day went by when they weren’t noticed by their crushes. Even though my friends were not very nice to me, and often let me feel how low I was from them socially, I had no one else—so I stuck around. I gave myself one job in school—keep the friends I had.

 I was never looked at by people I liked, and that stuck…for a while. High school was worse. When the “funny friend” act got boring, I grew tired of the negative circle I was in. I was finally open about how they made me feel. It’s definitely not okay to assign someone to be the funny character in your life—but with that I was left all alone. I quickly learned; high school is cruel when you're alone. I would get joked about constantly when I walked down the hallways. Boys would ask me out as a joke—even confess their feelings for me. Then shout, “just kidding,” run to their group of friends, and exchange the owed money for doing this scary dare. (Must I say this is a fantastic feeling!!) People will go out of their way to trick you into thinking for a second you are desirable. Then, you were never seen as desirable—but when you were, it was only a joke.

I am embarrassed of the fact that for the last few months I was longing for validation. I wanted validation from someone I'd hardly known anything about. It consumed me. That’s a twisted thing to have in your head. Even when I was myself with someone, I was glorified—like I was someone’s “manic pixie dream girl.” It was a horrible situation I had fallen into. When someone does like you finally, but they see you only as a character. You’re put up on a shelf, you’re not allowed to speak, just listen. I could do no wrong—I skip down the sidewalk, my hair falls perfectly this way, everyone stops and laughs at my jokes. Many can argue this, but that's not a feeling someone should convince themselves to like. Being romanticized so much that you're scared to do anything that could harm them or the idea they have of you. Smothering someone with fake kindness is awful. 

What was I looking for exactly? I couldn't tell you what I was looking for, but I know that whatever they were giving me was not it. In other words, none of it was real—and it was painfully obvious. 

But here’s what I learned from my attempts, trying to get validation from someone other than yourself is exhausting. There's no need to ride that emotional rollercoaster. If you want to hear some pretty words, read some of Kafka's letters (Letters to Milena by Franz Kafka) Second, I clearly was not missing out on anything big in high school. 

So, I guess thanks to all of you for choosing my friends instead of me.