i actually don’t know anything about anything.

I have not written anything, of any sort, for a long time. I have not opened up my blog or picked up my journal. Which is quite out of the ordinary for me since I deeply rely on writing things as a form of escaping reality for a brief moment. So, what has caused Dezeray not to write? Everything. Since the month of March, I’ve been dealing with a very suffocating situation that has finally let me free of its grasp. This exact situation has also led me to a slight realization, I might not be as attracted to men as I thought I was (what a shocker, right…?). This situation aside, I’ve been learning a lot of things about myself lately—completely outside of my sexuality and gender (which is a whole other constant crisis running through my head).

I am the type of person who has to constantly be working—well not work but I need to occupy myself and my mind with something. If I find myself not doing anything that could consume my whole day, I’ll want to fall off the face of the earth. I can’t stand not doing anything. This is mainly the reason you’re hearing from me again. I have decided to come back and live off my days with media consumption and writing my silly little character analysis/essays. I liked my life way more when this (my blog) was my second unpaying job. Plus, this blog is not going to get me anywhere if I continue not putting anything out for people to read. This blog originally started because I had a lot to say but nowhere to put it. I’ve lost myself a bit these last few weeks. This blog is my safe space, just for me, just for my thoughts. I really need this space for my own well-being.

I have been listening to a lot of music these last few months. The once active cinephile in me has been on a long, long vacation. It’s been quite a repeating mix of yearning music, melodramatic feelings, and a screaming Fiona Apple reminding me to have some self-respect. I’ve lived solely on music these past few draining months. Even today I can’t truthfully say if the new Boygenius album “The Record,” helped me out of my sorrow or dug me in deeper—but who’s to say it didn’t do both? I want to say right now, while I am writing this, “The Record'' is my all-time favorite music release of 2023. The music industry should be scared no one will ever release anything as amazing as it.

what i’ve been listening to :

Since March I’ve had absolutely no motivation nor any creativity to write (Which should’ve been the first sign to stop the situation sooner!!) Something caused me to stop writing. Something took all of my attention away from writing, away from my own things. I honestly lost myself, and it wasn’t fun living the way I was. Dezeray’s Table is for me. I am back, fully!