acting your own age

I wish I acted like a teenager when I should’ve, when it really counted.

When being a teenager was an excuse for getting away with—practically anything.

Getting home late, forgetting to answer the phone, changing physical appearances weekly, acting any way rebellious.

Having my parents excuse my own behavior with, “Oh, she’s just a teenager.” and “She’ll learn soon enough!”

I wish I had a taken the chance to misbehave, I wish I had slammed doors. I wish I had yelled that I loved, that I hurt, and I want so badly everything in front of me. I wish I cursed out loud.

I’m so reliant on the opinions of others, on the opinions of my parents. I’m tired of it.

Is it too late for me—to act in anyway young? rebellious? like a teenage girl.

Should I curl my eyelashes as a daring act of change?

I look the same. damn.

• I wrote this last year, then chopped off two inches of my hair instead and ate it